I AM BEAR

So at the age of thirty I decided to make a change. I wasn't happy. I mean is anyone? Really happy? I mean, just sit back and ask yourself, really take a good long look at everything you have in front of you, what you did today, yesterday, last week, what you ate, what you watch on TV... ask yourself, are you happy? Don't lie! You know that you aren't. None of us. Not really. We pretend, we delude, we deceive, inveigle and obfuscate on a daily basis it becomes second nature to us, like taking a piss.

So... yeah, not happy. Life seems to have passed me by. I know, I know I am only thirty, but I just expected so much more right now. To be honest I kinda thought, job and girlfriend, friends and band were the be all and end all of all creation. But they aren't. I am not ungrateful. I am not some mental case. I am happy to have a job, a roof over my head a girl who seems to love me for who I am. I guess I just don't understand why. Why does she love me? Why am I doing this fucking job I am doing? Why? I don't know.

The band. Would have thought that might have made a difference. And it does. When I am smashing the shit out of that drum kit and we are creating something awesome I can get lost in it all and forget all the things that trouble me. But it is fleeting. It feels fleeting. It doesn't feel tangible. I guess I know that when we are done, those good feelings will be gone.

You are probably thinking, why the hell should I even carry on reading this. This guy is a misery. I am not. I promise. I am just a little fed up with what I have and who I am. To be honest, again, I don't really know who I am anymore. I feel like I have lost touch with myself, the only time I feel alive is when I am drumming, is when I am in the...

OK. Something else I need to mention. It is a little weird. Believe me it is not lost on me, but... well I can't explain it. I just feel like me again when I am in it and I am drumming in it. I experimented the other day an kept it on after drumming and well... I walked home in it and felt awesome. I have a bear suit. Like a proper looking one, like from Gentle Ben, not a teddy bear type thing, but a real grizzly bear type thing. We did this gig once where they wanted animals performing... it was money, we are a bit shit and will take whatever looks like a gig as an opportunity to play our music... anyway, I kept the suit. It's not some sexy thing, I don't get my rocks off when I am in it... I just feel... like me again.

I AM BEAR

currently writing this comedy drama...

thinking comic or half hour TV show...